Ponderings

Love the Lord w/ Lincoln Brewster

2007-10-07T04:40:00.001+01:00

nails

2007-10-04T17:12:00.000+01:00

Tidied my room today.

Went to Ikea and bought new pink bedsheets as well as a shelf that had to be assembled by hand. Hammered nails in to fix the wooden boards together. Ended up with a sore thumb.

Thought of another carpenter who sweated over boards and nails, knowing that one day one of these would be hammered into his hands and feet.

Felt the sharp points of the nails.

Please bring me back to the basis of my faith in You.

My Will - DC Talk

2007-05-04T04:22:00.000+01:00

Im setting the stage for the things I love
And Im now the man I once couldnt be
Nothing on earth could now ever move me
I now have the will and the strength a man needs

(chorus)
Its my will, and Im not moving
Cause if its your will, then nothing can shake me
Its my will, to bow and praise you
I now have the will to praise my god

Complexity haunts me for I am two men
Entrenched in a battle that Ill never win
My discipline fails me, my knowledge it fools me
But you are my shelter, all the strength that I need

(repeat chorus)

Im learning to give up the rights to myself
The bits and the pieces Ive gathered as wealth
Could never compare to the joy that you bring me
The peace that you show me is the strength that I need

(repeat chorus)

(bridge)
Weve got to be children of peace
Dont you know weve got to be children of peace

Help!!

2007-03-22T17:06:00.000Z

Is there a tradeoff between perfectionism and personal relationships?

I thrive on doing things correctly. Which can be hard in group work sometimes where each thinks he is right.

I am learning alot about working in a group here. Still far from attaining enlightenment. I always want to contribute and do my part, but I also want to see the group heading in the right direction and doing things correctly (i.e. my way). I am slowly learning to try to change my perspective (lots of conditions!) and to take other people's views into account. It's hard and it's driving me way out of my comfort zone, but I cannot give up.

In moments of frustration I am thankful for friends who listen to me gripe and do not criticise or condemn but are patient with me.

I realise that the words "don't complain, criticise, condemn" are really difficult to put into practice here.

Rick Warren was saying that when God wants to teach you how to love, He doesn't put you with loveable people. He puts you with unloveable people. When he wants to teach you how to be patient He puts you in situations that test your patience. I am (reluctantly) thankful that He is disciplining me. Please, work your good in these situations and help me to give thanks in all things!!

Freedom

2007-03-17T08:33:00.000Z

When will I be free?

Plea

2007-03-07T12:23:00.000Z

Realising that discouragements always come but it is your attitude and willingness to change, with God's power, that counts.

Realising that people always let you down and that you will always be letting others down.

I hope that there is still time for improvement in my life. I really pray that I will be able to grow and become the passionate, idealistic yet practical woman of God He wants me to be. I really pray that I will be able to be focussed, and not give in to my greatest weakness. I really pray that through me He will inspire others.

God I want that real heart for You, not just a mouth that talks about You, not just a body that does things for You, but I want to be able to worship You and go to church to worship You and not just to be endlessly doing. God I really need You to change me. You are shaking me, forcing me to rethink my life, my values, my ideals, my perceptions; bring them in line with Yours and let my goals be closer to Yours for my life. Work in me.

Running in Circles

2007-02-10T02:15:00.000Z

"I need you Jesus, come to my rescue."

I was and am pretending, going through the motions, frantically doing and doing things like a hamster caught in a wheel. But the truth is that I am running on empty. What I need is not intellect, what I need isn't more to do. What I need is humility, brokenness and You.

I look at myself and I feel overwhelmed by the ugliness and futility of it all...

"Beautiful, beautiful, Jesus makes beautiful
Jesus makes beautiful the things of my life
Touching me, changing me,
Causing my eyes to see,
Jesus makes beautiful the things of my life."

Deliver me.

Step by Step - by Mark J Young

2007-01-29T03:51:00.000Z

Behold the Lamb of God Who takes away the sin of the world....

Step by step He walked to the hill.
His shredded back was bleeding still.
Step by step He carried the cross.
I felt so helpless, so blind, so lost.

Step by step He plodded along,
This Man in Whom we found nothing wrong--
Step by step He came to die;
I had the feeling only He knew why.

Somehow I think He died for me--
Can't you see He took my place?
I should have been nailed to that tree;
Instead, I spit in His face.

Step by step--it stays with me yet!
This was a Man like none I had met.
Step by step--it throbs in my brain.
How could this man bear so much pain?

Jesus walked to the cross--
He didn't have to do it,
But He thought of me
As He faced that tree,
And for my life He went through it.
Jesus walked to the cross--
One little word would have saved Him,
But His love was why
Jesus chose to die.
The cross was mine, but He gave Himself for me.

Somehow I think He died for me--
Can't you see He took my place?
I should have been nailed to that tree;
Instead, I spit in His face.
I felt so guilty as I watched Him walk along;
And He was still alive--He must have been remarkably strong.
But any minute I was sure that He would fall;
We'd beat Him so hard, I'm surprised He walked at all,
And so I grabbed a man who stood beside the road
And made him carry Jesus awful, awful, awful load;
And made him carry Jesus awful load, but what can I say?
I thought I was the one who should have led the way
To take the cross, to die myself and set Him free,
To bear the cross on which this Jesus died for me.
The cross he bore-I felt it was my own,
But one man just can't stand alone
Against the people and against the rulers at the top
And tell them all they're wrong, tell them to stop, stop, stop, stop, stop,
Stop this madness! stop this madness!
Can't you see you're plunging us in darkness and sadness?
But still we nailed Him to the cross, and dropped it in the socket,
And grumbled that His garment didn't have a pocket;
But I did give Him a drink before He died.
When He was dead, I plunged my sword in his side,
I don't know why--somehow I knew that He was dead.
When He died, He prayed, and then He dropped His head,
Then came the earthquake--yes, it seems it waited for His nod.
Surely this man had to be the Son of God.
Oh, tell me, Jesus, tell me, please tell me why,
Why did we hate You, why did we beat You, why did we crucify?

Behold the Lamb of God Who takes away the sin of the world....

Today we killed a Carpenter, I guess I don't know why.
Can someone tell me why this Jesus had to die?
He'd been a nuisance, and we'd finally had enough--
But for a righteous man, we sure did treat Him rough.
We beat and spit on Him--we acted just like swine,
And yet it seemed that He forgave us for our crime.
I meant to ask Him to explain some things He said;
I'm kind of sorry that the Carpenter is dead....

Step by step.

You Are Loved

2007-01-24T03:25:00.001Z

To be held by Him... To feel the fabric of His clothes against my face...To smell the sweetness of Him, mingled with the sweat and blood of His humanity...To finally meet someone so familiar and yet almost a stranger... To run back to Him painful, weary, aching, bruised, broken, must be the happiest experience.

I keep thinking back to what things were like when I was a child. Things were so simple and clear cut back then. Things have become more complex now, but it's only because we have become more complex.

"At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, 'Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?'

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said, 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.' "

You Are Loved

2007-01-24T03:25:00.000Z

Black and White - Fan Wei Qi

2007-01-21T12:53:00.000Z

tai yang shai de wo
yan jing zheng bu kai
ni de hao pi qi
rang wo xin qing huai bu qi lai

xia yu xia de wo
ye xiang fa dai
ni de dao qian
ting zhe ting zhe wo dou kuai yao xiao chu lai

shui shuo bu neng hei bai pei
shi jie shang mei you shen me shi
neng gou ru ci de jue dui
ceng jing you ren zhe yang chang guo
bai tian ta bu dong ye de hei
ni que dong de wo de mei

you shi hou wo hui
gan jue fei chang lei
you shi hou ye hui
bu zi jue ba ni tuo lei

ni you shi hui shuo
wo men bu pei
zhi yao neng yi wei
zhen de zhen de wo shen me dou wu suo wei

shui shuo bu neng hei bai pei
shi jie shang mei you shen me shi
neng gou ru ci de jue dui
ceng jing you ren zhe yang chang guo
bai tian ta bu dong ye de hei
ni que dong de wo de mei

gang qin ye shi hei bai jian
yi yang neng kan chu wo dui ni
zhi you man man de gan xie
ye xu hei yong yuan bu ming bai
zai zhe ge cai se de shi jie
you ni wo cai hui cun zai

You are Loved

2006-12-26T13:35:00.000Z

It first sunk into me two years ago, that God was a jealous God. Because I am easily jealous, I can understand that feeling really well.

Being jealous only comes when you care about someone alot.

At that time, I was being immensely jealous of something because I cared deeply, and I thought, "So that is how God feels! multiplied by tens of billions of times!"

God, help me to know your love, not just in my head, but also in my heart, not just in my heart, but also in my spirit.

I believe that the key to everything, to overcome addictions, problems, difficulties, broken relationships, inclination to rebel, everything, is to realise the how wide and how deep, how long and how high the love of God really is.

I am desperate to know this... desperate for a change in my life and my heart.

IF I HAD ONE CHANCE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
We were younger then, you and me
full of dreams, weren’t we?
I went my way, you went yours
where did you go, dear?
someone said, you have left
the life we lived, together then.
this is my way of reaching out
cause I remember...

this is what I want to say to you
if I had one chance to speak to your heart.
you are loved, more than you could ever know.
this is what I want to say to you
if I had one chance to tell you something.
you are loved more than you can imagine. imagine

if I told you, would you believe the narrow road
I did not leave
if I told you would you understand
that I have found truth?
Are you cheated
Are you hurting now?
How I wish that I could tell
Where your heart’s at
Can you see
Mine has found… home

Christmas Eve

2006-12-24T14:51:00.000Z

Sorry for the long silence as I let God sort my life and my thoughts out. Thank God that

"He's done a good work in me, and He won't quit til I'm free."

I heard it mentioned recently that being brought up in a Christian home all your life might make you want to try life without God, just to see what it was like. Sometimes life without God can be pleasurable, but not truly joyful. I say this from my own experience. There is nothing I crave more than to be with God and walking in His will because when I am disobeying Him I am miserable, even though at the time, I might seem to be enjoying myself and even happy.

Sometimes, you can even tell it from photos, the brightness of your smile, how close you were to God at that time.

My friends ask me for proof of God. I know friends who reject Him on an intellectual basis. I read things and I do have my doubts. But I have no doubt that He is there, that He loves me. It's a conviction that only His Holy Spirit can give. To the world, it is foolishness, but to me, it is life-giving.

Situations can seem hopeless and unchangeable, but the only thing that gives me courage to face them and to have the hope that God will see me through is that God is able to do anything with hearts that are willing. Help me and change me too, change me from the "inside out", not from the "outside in".

Help me to be, not just to do,
help me to do, not just to say,
and in the saying, give me the faith to believe.

I miss You, miss Your presence and the true joy of worshipping You. You are the one who gives me true joy, which is irreplaceable by anyone else.

Happy birthday : ) May the world, caught up in consumerism, drinking themselves unsteady in bars, enduring massive human jams to gawk at decorations, in a frenzy of Santas, trees, lights, glitter and hedonism, realise Who they are truely missing this Christmas,

realise how human You are, how you understand, how You were tempted in every way and how You pray for us without giving up patience on us,

realise what You did when You endured a shameful birth in squalid circumstances, chose for Your best friends prostitutes and tax collectors, admonished the religious zealots of the time,

realise that they are missing You, and You are missing them this Christmas, more than the most loving of lovers misses his sweetheart,

and may I realise it too.

Blessed be Your Name

2006-09-22T18:19:00.000+01:00

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

Women

2006-08-26T23:49:00.000+01:00

A woman is such a soft, uncertain thing, with an outside of steel and an inside of tenderness. She is not to be treated lightly, careless words are not to be said to her, because each cuts her deep inside. She knows what she should want but sometimes wants what she knows she should not. And though she seems to be strong it might be the gentle touch or word that could tip her over. Do not break the fragile threads that hold together the world she lives in, unless you are prepared to protect and honour her...

The world needs men who will recognize the worth of women - the world needs men who will honour women as their mothers, their sisters and friends. There are few men who can answer to this challenge, fewer still from the society that claims to recognize the equality of women. Perhaps these men will only be found in the society that recognizes the weaknesses and strengths of women, that recognizes the uniqueness of women and that recognizes that women are not always able to do everything a man can do; and that acknowledges that it is the role of a man not to be rude or self seeking, but to always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere.

"your beauty... should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

3 lines of thought.

2006-08-22T23:46:00.000+01:00

Head full of thoughts over the last few days which seem to evaporate as I sit down on purpose to write them out but pop up at the most inconvenient of moments, during the CF just now when we were all supposed to be praying, for example. But shall attempt to jot some of them down very quickly -

1. Ambition or ambitions?

I wonder whether what I pursue now with so much fervour is ambition or my ambitions? Some very bad symptoms - I can't bear to think of being last or of not achieving my goals, the thought of failure doesn't even cross my mind and frightens me so much when it does. There is a perfectionist streak in me that seems to always strive to be the first and is afraid of being left behind. There is so much pride in me, that I think I am better than everyone else. When I wrote those innocent goals and ambitions down in my diary, I never dreamed that they might someday become so big and all-consuming. And now I am afraid to let them go, and acknowledge my weakness and inability to reach them without His help.

And yet, that's all that I can do right now, for the situation alternates between being hopeless and ... hopeless. A very happy and foolish break I took last weekend has its price now, and I must pay for it with late nights and perseverance. And acknowledging that this situation is teaching me so much more of my own inadequecies and inabilities, and learning to accept that there are many things I am incapable of doing (such as going without sleep, such as thinking fast, such as skimming through papers and comprehending them). Knowing that I can do only so much and the rest is up to Him -

And realising that there are many people better than me in every way and every person better than me in some way. Learning humbly from the people around me - from the way they balance their relationships, from the way they treat their work - I am very wowed and very thankful to have met these people before going back to Singapore. I am very awed with the way people keep going and soar high despite their personal circumstances and problems (much, much huger than my own) and, many of them, without God. I am awed by the way I see people care for each other, beyond emotion to practicality.

I am thankful that God chooses the weak, cos without that, where would I be?

Ambition threatens to possess me sometimes, and if He doesn't deal with it now, it's going to bug me in my future. I will always be thinking (as I sometimes do now) what would have happened if I had done this or that, if I had just submitted that form a little earlier, would life have been different for me? I will always be looking for something brighter and something higher for my own glory and will be chasing after things I may not really want to do just for the prestige - I might do things excellently not for the joy of it but because of the stress of it; and look back at my life having nothing to show for it but a relentless pursuing of tomorrow.

So please remind me that there are no ifs or buts in Your will, and it is totally for Your glory. I always do things that are so ridiculous and grieve You - but just use my life now to bring You glory.

I remember that before my exams in the last semester I said that I wasn't working for perfect grades but I was working towards perfect effort, and whatever the grades God gave me I would not be bothered but I would thank Him, because I would still have known that I'd done my best. It wasn't easy to say it then, and I am still unable to say it right now for my project, but I know that within the next two weeks He will take me to that point as He always does.

2. Perseverance

I read this quote a few days ago while flipping through a birthday present of collated quotes.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘press on’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” - Calvin Coolidge

How true that is. I'm thankful for gifts and talents and especially how very much I have been blessed to have parents who have tried to urge me to use and develop them, I am thankful that God has given them to me but it's so true that nothing gets you anywhere but perseverance. And that's what I'm learning with this project, that little by little I'm getting slightly closer to the end than I was before, that I can't give up midway, that I have to keep at it, keep at it, and press on, that even though I have to read three papers to write a sentence, I can't give up!

Abraham Lincoln, an amazing man and role model, and another American president, said, "I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back!" And to that I add, "or look back..." And so it is that way, with my project and with my life - I resolve not to walk back!

3. Role models

Speaking of role models, Albert Einstein is a great one for perseverance. Everyone knows the famous saying about genius being 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. But this wise and very adorable man also said,

"I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is wrong. But the 100th time, I am right!"

"It's not that I'm so smart, I just stay with problems longer."

"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

What a guy!

Another person I came across in the news recently was Daw Aung San Suu Kyi - her sentence had been extended recently for another year. Stumbling upon snippets of information here and there and piecing together her life, I couldn't help being touched and humbled at the same time thinking about my own. The daughter of a Myanmese hero assassinated when she was two, she'd gone to Oxford, married and settled in England, and was whisked back to Myanmar through an unforeseen precipitation of events to be caught up in the democratic movement in Myanmar.

I kept looking for pictures of her online and seeing her spirit, courage, determination shining out through her eyes. She was and is beautiful, but what sets her apart is much much more than her beauty; it's just her amazing tenacity and her willingness to keep at it for however long it takes and however much it costs for the good of her people.

U2's "Walk on" was written for her and the story goes that she was out with her party giving speeches and gathering supporters, and the militia pointed their guns at her and threatened to shoot if she didn't stop. But she continued walking -

what an indomitable spirit and what an example - there is something more in life than what is bogging me down now and the endless pointless ambition. It all boils down again to success vs significance, and I hope that every day brings me a little closer to what I know I must eventually choose.

Help!

2006-08-16T16:40:00.000+01:00

Panic sets in... and the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel cannot be seen... because the tunnel has become a twisting maze...

Thoughts

2006-08-13T22:46:00.000+01:00

Events of recent days have left me with questions - some answered, some unanswered.

Talking to people over the last few days has left me wondering. I wonder if perhaps I've been patronising in my attitude towards people - "feeling sorry" for them because they aren't as happy as I think they could be - as one put it to me - "You're religious (that's the word they use for Christians here, and I don't like it) and you're happy. I'm not religious and I'm happy. It's not a big issue" -

but like I put it, if God exists surely that is the biggest issue one should be thinking about - surely it's the issue that should consume and influence everything else. My belief in Him influences everything I do - and it should. There's no half way when you believe in God. I don't believe someone can say - "Oh yes, I believe vaguely there is a God out there and some sort of vast universal presence" and then leave it at that. How does it affect your life and what are you doing about it? If it doesn't make a difference to you shouldn't it?

Isn't the question of whether He exists or not, and if He does, who He is, the most important question in life?

Without Him nothing makes sense anymore. Without Him why should I bother about right or wrong? And that's the way the world is moving now - towards political correctness. You go your way and I'll go mine, anything goes, as long as it doesn't harm someone else. Just do whatever makes you feel happy and do whatever you want to do, without bothering about doing what you know you should do, or not doing what you know you shouldn't do. I accept everything - I condone everything. I approve of everything - and if I don't, I won't open my mouth because I'll be accused of being politically incorrect or right-wing, or old-fashioned, or conservative - symptoms of weirdness.

Feeling tired after a long week. Pray for refreshment and enthusiasm for work and JOY once again.

Success or Significance?

2006-08-07T17:43:00.000+01:00

Something said a few weeks ago has remained with me ever since and changed the way I see and do things.

Are you aiming for success or significance?

Success is adding value to your own life.

And significance is adding value to the lives of others.

Which am I going to choose, especially if it should come to helping people with their projects and struggles ahead of my own? Help me to choose significance. Always, always significance.

Here I Go Again

2006-08-05T04:42:00.000+01:00

"Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin 'bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him 
That You love him
But here I go again, here I go again."

I just came back from what would seem to be the highlight of the week - Friday night.

But to be honest, I feel really down.

Sometimes I feel like I am pretending - to make conversation, to laugh, to dance, to drink, to make stupid jokes, to enjoy myself - when actually I feel really sad when I see people dancing, laughing, because I know that though they look happy, they aren't. Sometimes I just want to shout out all that is inside me, to tell them that there's

"more to this life, there's more to this life
I'm struggling to fight the reasons we cry
There's more to this life, there's more to this life"

I danced almost ... 3 hours straight today. I think on the outside it looked like I was having such fun. But on the inside I was becoming sadder and sadder as I thought about things. I wish people could see God's light inside me. I wish people would realise that sometimes, what they find attractive isn't my personality, but it's Him changing me.

Oh, give me the courage and the tact. But most of all go before me. I feel so small, unable to be your messenger to this place. I wish people would just see and realise that God exists and that He loves them, and that He has such a plan for them - I wish ... oh I wish...

I wish I didn't have so many faults, so many cracks - vanity, competition, ambition, pride, selfishness, lack of compassion, you name it, lack of honesty sometimes, lack of courage and boldness, but oh, let Your light shine through the cracks.

Please let them see You in my life. Let You be glorified in my life - in my relationships, conversations, results. I have failed miserably time and again. But pick me up and help me to grow.

Help!

2006-08-02T22:35:00.000+01:00

Never underestimate the importance of asking for help, and never be too proud to ask for help.

I'm slowly learning this with my project but have yet to learn it in real life.

Honesty

2006-07-18T22:44:00.000+01:00

"Political correctness is the greatest problem in the church today."

Give me wisdom and Your Holy Spirit, not to be politically correct but to say the right thing at the right time with power. Let me not be so afraid of what people will say, because not everyone is going to like me anyway, and even if I do my best to please everyone, I might not please You.

I'm learning how to be honest. I resolved to be completely honest in my sharing with the Christian fellowship today. And to be completely honest with people from now on.

I will not say something is alright in my life if it isn't. I will not hide something from a friend should they ask. I will be direct. And I will not pretend or play games with people. I will say what I mean and mean what I say.

So shared my heart out with the Christian fellowship today. It felt good to be honest. It felt good that I was being myself.

Help me to be real, because that's the only way I can grow.

"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." (Prov 24:26)

Grace...

2006-07-17T09:39:00.000+01:00

There was once a great and noble King whose land was terrorized by a crafty dragon. Like a massive bird of prey, the scaly beast delighted in ravaging villages with his fiery breath. Hapless victims ran from their burning homes, only to be snatched into the dragon's jaws or talons. Those devoured instantly were deemed more fortunate than those carried back to the dragon's lair to be devoured at his leisure. The King led his sons and knights in many valiant battles against the dragon.

Riding alone in the forest, one of the King's sons heard his name purred low and soft. In the shadows of the ferns and trees, curled among the boulders, lay the dragon. The creature's heavy-lidded eyes fastened on the prince, and the reptilian mouth stretched into a friendly smile.

"Don't be alarmed," said the dragon, as gray wisps of smoke rose lazily from his nostrils.

"I am not what your father thinks."

"What are you, then?" asked the prince, warily drawing his sword as he pulled in the reins to keep his fearful horse from bolting.

"I am pleasure," said the dragon. "Ride on my back and you will experience more than you ever imagined. Come now. I have no harmful intentions. I seek a friend, someone to share flights with me. Have you never dreamed of flying? Never longed to soar in the clouds?"

Visions of soaring high above the forested hills drew the prince hesitantly from his horse. The dragon unfurled one great webbed wing to serve as a ramp to his ridged back. Between the spiny projections, the prince found a secure seat. Then the creature snapped his powerful wings twice and launched them into the sky. The prince's apprehension melted into awe and exhilaration.

From then on, he met the dragon often, but secretly, for how could he tell his father, brothers or the knights that he had befriended the enemy? The prince felt separate from them all. Their concerns were no longer his concerns. Even when he wasn't with the dragon, he spent less time with those he loved and more time alone.

The skin on the prince's legs became calloused from gripping the ridged back of the dragon, and his hands grew rough and hardened. He began wearing gloves to hide the malady. After many nights of riding, he discovered scales growing on the backs of his hands as well. With dread he realized his fate were he to continue, and so he resolved to return no more to the dragon.

But, after a fortnight, he again sought out the dragon, having been tormented with desire. And so it transpired many times over. No matter what his determination, the prince eventually found himself pulled back, as if by the cords of an invisible web. Silently, patiently, the dragon always waited.

One cold, moonless night their excursion became a foray against a sleeping village. Torching the thatched roofs with fiery blasts from his nostrils, the dragon roared with delight when the terrified victims fled from their burning homes. Swooping in, the serpent belched again and flames engulfed a cluster of screaming villages. The prince closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to shut out the carnage.

In the pre dawn hours, when the prince crept back from his dragon trysts, the road outside his father's castle usually remained empty. But not tonight. Terrified refugees streamed into the protective walls of the castle. The prince attempted to slip through the crowd to close himself in his chambers, but some of the survivors stared and pointed toward him.

"He was there," one woman cried out, "I saw him on the back of the dragon." Others nodded their heads in angry agreement. Horrified, the prince saw that his father, the King, was in the courtyard holding a bleeding child in his arms. The King's face mirrored the agony of his people as his eyes found the prince's. The son fled, hoping to escape into the night, but the guards apprehended him as if he were a common thief. They brought him to the great hall where his father sat solemnly on the throne. The people on every side railed against the prince.

"Banish him!" he heard one of his own brothers angrily cry out.

"Burn him alive!" other voices shouted.

As the king rose from his throne, bloodstains from the wounded shone darkly on his royal robes. The crowd fell silent in expectation of his decree. The prince, who could not bear to look into his father's face, stared at the flagstones of the floor.

"Take off your gloves and your tunic," the King commanded. The prince obeyed slowly, dreading to have his metamorphosis uncovered before the kingdom. Was his shame not already enough? He had hoped for a quick death without further humiliation. Sounds of revulsion rippled through the crowd at the sight of the prince's thick, scaled skin and the ridge growing along his spine.

The king strode toward his son, and the prince steeled himself, fully expecting a back handed blow even though he had never been struck so by his father.

Instead, his father embraced him and wept as he held him tightly. In shocked disbelief, the prince buried his face against his father's shoulder.

"Do you wish to be freed from the dragon, my son?"

The prince answered in despair, "I wished it many times, but there is no hope for me."

"Not alone," said the King. "You cannot win against the dragon alone."

"Father, I am no longer your son. I am half beast," sobbed the prince.

But his father replied, "My blood runs in your veins. My nobility has always been stamped deep within your soul."

With his face still hidden tearfully in his father's embrace, the prince heard the King instruct the crowd, "The dragon is crafty. Some fall victim to his wiles and some to his violence. There will be mercy for all who wish to be freed. Who else among you has ridden the dragon?"

The prince lifted his head to see someone emerge from the crowd. To his amazement, he recognized an older brother, one who had been lauded throughout the kingdom for his onslaughts against the dragon in battle and for his many good deeds. Others came, some weeping, others hanging their heads in shame.

The King embraced them all.

"This is our most powerful weapon against the dragon," he announced. "Truth. No more hidden flights. Alone we cannot resist him." Melinda Reinicke, Parables for Personal Growth (San Diego, CA: Recovery Publications, Inc., 1993), pp. 5-9.

Thank You for Your grace, I am just an ordinary person, but by Your grace you can use me to do extraordinary things. Thank You for Your grace - I am just a sinful person but by Your grace You can change my life and my heart.

Unexpected Things That Make Me Happy

2006-06-27T04:50:00.000+01:00

1. Sausage roll from Sarah when I forgot to bring my wallet into university today.

2. Pastor Ling's bread. He gives leftover bread from a bakery to people who need it weekly - AOKs right here in Townsville! - and he obviously thinks we need it. It's the best bread I've ever tried in the world and both my coursemates who have never met Pastor Ling think he's the best man in Townsville for giving us this bread.

3. Finding a smiley face on a gall today made of bits of wasp and a curved antennae forming the smile.

4. Chatting with my labmates.

5. Blue skies and sunny weather. Not having to wear a thick black coat!

6. Pale-headed rosellas staying still on the grass.

7. Overseas phone calls or MSN conversations.

Thank You for all these things.

Thoughts

2006-05-28T05:54:00.000+01:00

Standing outside Bill's house today in the quiet morning waiting for someone to pick me up and bring me to church I was thinking hard about the last few weeks and things in general.

These thoughts came to mind:

It's not what I say about Him to other people that He cares about the most, but it's what I say to Him that He cares about deeply.

It's not what I do for Him that He finds most precious but who I am when I am with Him that He treasures.

I don't want to have the form but not the power. I don't want to be someone who goes to church every week, serves alot in church, is seen as a very spiritual person, but doesn't have a real relationship with Him.

I want to be real. I know that the greatest test of my faith is not how I act in church, but how I act in the world. I could close my eyes and raise my hands in church, fall down on my knees, cry, I could talk to new people, and that is worship, but true worship is how I live my life among people who don't know Him, true worship is whether I refrain from gossiping when everyone around me is badmouthing someone, true worship is whether I dare to stick by my beliefs and convictions in action when everyone around me thinks that is ridiculous or outdated.

True worship is living my life for Him among my friends who don't know Him, trying to be a genuine friend, knowing that even though sometimes I can't trust them, I want them to be able to trust me.

And how I have failed in so many ways to have that true worship in my life, how many times I have argued with people and perhaps not done the best thing to turn them to God, how many times have I contradicted what I say with what I do, how many times has it been evident to them that I still don't trust Him completely?

The only thing I can take comfort in is that God is so much more powerful than I am. I may have failed as a Christian to bring my friends closer to Christ, but I know that God is working in their hearts. I am not the one who argues them into believing what I believe, but He will always help them to realise the truth. I don't need to embellish or defend the truth, because it is so powerful.

And I can only bear fruit for You by loving You wholeheartedly, by drawing close to You. You are my best friend, but I don't dare to think that I am Yours, although I long so much to be called that.

Be the idol of my heart, cos that's where everything starts. I don't want to think about doing and saying anymore, but I just want to be real with others and with You.

Be the Idol
Will You be the idol of my heart?
Will You still be the idol of my heart?

It's not what I say about You
that You hold most dear
It's what I say to You that You treasure
It's not what I do for You
that You love me for
It's who I am when I'm with You
that You think is most important

One day will You call me Your best friend?
Because You are mine,
Won't You let me touch Your heart,
and will You be the idol of mine;
There are things I want and desire
crowding in, longings and hurts I can't quite control
Sometimes I feel the urge to attain,
to strive for goals I know aren't Yours,

So quell my selfish ambitions,
burn away the gods of wood and stone
and will You be the idol of my heart,
Will You still be the idol of my heart,
(draw me back and)
will You be the idol of my heart.

Change - Tracy Chapman

2006-05-27T02:04:00.000+01:00

If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

This song has been played on the radio alot - a Christian radio station I listen to while I dissect, and it really touches me with its truth.

I've so many friends who still don't know Him yet - friends on my course, etc. All very scientific people. We have arguments sometimes - maybe that's not so good - where we fervently defend what we feel to be true. I'd like to find out more about why I believe what I believe. I don't doubt that He is real and that He created the world, but I would like to know more, especially about the science of it, so that I can talk to my coursemates too. So if anyone can help / send me stuff, please do.

Behind all the thinking, the philosophy and the intellect though we're all similar people with similarly messed-up lives. Hence the song goes - "How bad, how good, does it need to get?" How high or how low can people go before they realise that without Him, everything is empty and there's no point to life?

When the Oceans Rise and Thunders Roar

2006-04-25T18:17:00.000+01:00

I have very mixed feelings as I'm about to leave for Australia tomorrow to do my project, and as our course director has emailed saying that our results are coming out tomorrow. It's one thing when the exam hasn't started yet and your results are still in your control; you can still study, you can still do something about it. It's another thing when you have to sit and wait, grappling with anxiety, when all around you things are changing, your life is about to take a turn and you don't know what lies around the corner.

Last Sunday I chose to sing "Still" for the evening service. I felt that everyone around me was going through turmoil in their lives, and that they needed God's stillness in their lives in the midst of a storm. I could look around me and see people singing their hearts out and their hearts being touched by His message, but what about myself?

I also chose "Because He lives" -

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
And Because I know He holds the future
Life is worth the living
Just because He lives.

I don't know what lies ahead of me tomorrow. The uncertainty and the strain can bring tears to my eyes and a flutter to my heartbeat. But I know He understands...

I trust Him for the big things. I trust Him to do His will in my life. But it's the small things I find it difficult to trust Him with. Yet I know that He works all things out for good and He has done so in my life so far. So I just need to leave it to Him.

I received a lovely Sara Groves CD earlier in the week and this song sums up everything perfectly:

I don't have to cry anymore
I don't have to worry about what's in store
I've walked that road exhausted and poor
I don't have to cry anymore
And I don't have to know it all
I don't have to be so proud and stand so tall
I climbed that mountain only to fall
I don't have to know it all

You did that for me
Oh, You did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free
You did that for me

And I don't have to be ashamed
Hang my head or shoulder the blame
Wondering if my life's been in vain
I don't have to be ashamed

Oh, you did that for me
Oh, you did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free
You did that for me

Man of sorrows
Well acquainted with grief
Drug down to the city dump
Spread eagle on a cross beam
Propped up like a scarecrow
Nailed like a thief
There for all the world to see

You wore the chains so I could be free
You did that for me
Oh Lord, You did that for me
Oh Lord, You did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free

Thirst

2006-04-06T10:45:00.000+01:00

Silwood is a beautiful place. Sometimes I sit at my window, which overlooks the fields and the trees, and just gaze out of the window and type. There's a Western Red Cedar just outside my window and on its left is a slender white birch with its silver trunk. Sometimes the rabbits stop just outside and nibble on the grass.

With so much beauty I feel as though my soul is being fed. It was when we were sitting in a bus going around the Lake District that I felt as though my soul was going to burst, it was so full with all the beauty around me. That was when I thought my soul must be made of beauty too, because it was with beauty that it was fed.

There are many beautiful things in the world. There's love, there's friendship, there are relationships. There are good deeds. Seeing the old people in the nursing home every week is beautiful, singing in church every Sunday night is beautiful. Music is beautiful. Playing the keyboard is beautiful when your fingers run on and can't seem to help themselves playing.

But these beautiful things are like salt water if you only depend on them. You keep drinking more and more of them but they don't satisfy you. Serving in church week after week. Confiding your all to your friends. They're all beautiful things. But pale substitutes for the real water, living water that quenches thirst.

"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

No wonder my soul was still hungry, no wonder I still desired for something more. When the spring of living water with the deepest, purest source was freely flowing in front of me, I was digging my little broken cistern, polluted and shallow. He declared He Himself was to feed me, and in looking to satisfy my hunger I turned to look for His favour and forgot that it was all FREE.

All my life I had a longing,
For a drink from some clear spring,
That I hoped would quench the burning,
Of the thirst I felt within.

Feeding on the husks around me,
Till my strength was almost gone,
Longed my soul for something better,
Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,
Something that would satisfy,
But the dust I gathered round me,
Only mocked my souls sad cry.

Well of water, ever springing,
Bread of life so rich and free,
Untold wealth that never faileth,
My redeemer is to me.

I have found Him my soul so long has craved!
Jesus satisfies my longings,
Thro His blood I now am saved.

He satisfies my cravings in a way no other can. He's told me everything I've ever done; can He be the Christ? Like the woman at the well let me leave my jug behind with Him for I won't need it anymore. I have a better source of water and I will never thirst again.

You, You, You

2006-04-01T23:29:00.000+01:00

You were so unconventional and suprising. I just thank You. What a direct person You were. You could wear a man out with a look. How simple and yet how profound were the things you said. I think about the parable of the good Samaritan. You talked about a "despised Samaritan" who was a neighbour to the man in a way that the temple priest and the Levite weren't.

In many ways You defied their notions of God. And You sweep away all my preconceptions of You. When I don't deserve Your presence and I come in broken and numb because of things that I've done, I feel You near. You bring my friends to Yourself when my flame is flickering and almost gone out so all the glory goes to You and I have the joy. You understand me in a way no man can... You are patient with me, not desiring that I should perish.

Amazing grace... won't you keep me from taking it from granted?
Thank You for the cross, my friend...

The intangible to become reality in my life, the unseen and the eternal to be more visible to me than the temporary things, won't You do this? Won't You keep me from idols?

I have cried all the tears, said all the sorrys. But I don't want to go back. How can You be so patient with me? You desire so much more than my words and my tears. You desire my heart and my love. You desire so much more than what I do for You in public or say about You in public. You want worship in the secret place.

I don't want to go around in circles, but I want to draw closer to You. I know there is much more than the kind of life I am living. There is so much more for the one who seeks You. Won't You by Your grace show that to me?

Eyewitness

2006-03-28T02:43:00.000+01:00

I haven't studied my Bible for a long time. A quick read through a Psalm in the morning, noting down of key verses, and then prayer and a mad scramble off to the library. My diary is full of haphazard Bible verses scribbled here and there as they strike me. But no solid deep down study.

And today after preparing for Bible study tomorrow, I am left sleepless as I realise the great perspective of things, and too overwhelmed to sleep. I am also left a bit trembly... How amazing the Bible is and how amazed I am when I study it.

Bible study tomorrow is 1 Peter 5:1-11, Peter writing to the elders and the young men of the suffering Christian church. The first thing he wrote was, "to the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder..." this wasn't very typical of Peter. Calling himself a "fellow elder" was enormous humility for Peter who could have said "as your leader" or "as an apostle"...

To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow-elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed.

Humility and Peter don't seem to go together. He was the one who cut Malphus' ear off when Jesus was taken to be crucified. He was the one who said to Jesus, "You shall never wash my feet!" He was always the first to say something or to ask something - "Let us put up shelters - one for You, one for Moses, and one for Elijah!"

But something changed Peter to allow him to have that kind of humility that he could call himself a "fellow elder". The answer is in the second phrase he uses to describe himself - "a witness of Christ's sufferings".

To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow-elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed.

How was Peter a witness of Christ's sufferings? Where was he during Christ's suffering on the cross? He was following at a distance. He was warming himself by the fire together with the men who had taken Jesus away. He was denying his Christ, his friend, not 1 time but 3. He was weeping outside in the courtyard when Jesus looked at him. And was he at the cross? Jesus' mother, His mother's sister, Mary Magdalene and John were at the cross. Peter is not mentioned.

Being a witness of Christ's sufferings and not being able to bear the sight of his dearest friend being mocked and humiliated changed Peter and gave him the humility to be able to call himself a "fellow-elder" of the other church leaders who hadn't been with Jesus through his time on earth like Peter had.

And now, Peter says,

Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care... being examples to the flock... and when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

This image of the shepherd wasn't originally from Peter. It wasn't something Peter came up with but it was something that was special to him and ingrained deeply on his heart. It was when Jesus had risen from the dead, appeared to him and the rest and convinced them he wasn't a ghost, gave him his last catch of fish before He went home, and caused him to jump into the water as soon as John said, "It is the Lord!" - Peter immediately wrapped his outer garment about him and jumped into the water, leaving the boat far behind. That was when Peter first learnt about what Jesus would have him do.

Impetuous Peter, whom the Lord loved and knew deeply.

He first heard that day, and he heard thrice that day, "Feed my sheep". Having been an eyewitness that day, it was impressed so deeply on him that he wrote the same to the elders of the suffering church.

Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care... being examples to the flock... and when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

Feed my sheep.

They're the words of someone who's "been there" - someone who's been an eyewitness. And because he was an eyewitness his life and heart were changed and he was never the same again.

To him, it was ludicrous to serve for men's approval because you will never know what men will think of you, and never will everyone approve of you. It was equally ridiculous to serve for God's approval as he knew God already loved him infinitely - He couldn't love him any more than he already did. All he knew was that he had been an eyewitness and he had to point people to the one he had seen and the one he had been with, the one he had known.

Peter wrote this during the time of Nero, when the Christians were suffering terrible persecution. Nero was a crazy mad emperor who used Christians as human torches to light his garden. My mind simply boggles at how uncertain life was back then. Eventually Peter was crucified under the rule of this same emperor. And yet he wrote of trust, and yet he wrote that

the God of all grace... after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong.

How could he say that such terrible suffering as he had seen and would himself experience was just for "a little while"? I think the answer was also because he had been an eyewitness to Christ's suffering, which exceeds human imagination or even depiction, so that many are forced to turn away and stop themselves from even thinking about it. He had been an eyewitness when Christ was taken up to heaven, so that he could see everything in the light of eternity and say that this suffering was only for "a little while" compared to the infinity of time spent with Christ in eternity.

Suffering is expected as a Christian. Sooner or later, it will come. How can we bear it? How are we going to be able to bear all sorts of persecution and sorrow? We can only bear it if we have been eyewitnesses - if we know Him as our friend, if we know His power changing our lives daily, if we don't just go through our Christian routine everyday but know Him - know Him deeply as the beautiful, humourous, imaginative, creative, merciful, humble God that He is.

I must be an eyewitness. I cannot serve Him otherwise. I can't go on otherwise even. Whatever lies ahead, I only know one thing - that I can do anything as long as You are beside me. I can go anywhere when Your presence goes with me. And I can only follow You when I see You and know You. Let me be an eyewitness. Although I am afraid, although I am overwhelmed, let me be an eyewitness.

Psalm 63 - In The Desert

2006-03-18T12:05:00.000Z

I often think about David and how he came to be called a man after God's own heart. Reading his psalms gives me a glimpse of his personality and inspires me. He talks to God very simply and honestly; no hiding behind religious phrases and jargon for him.

He wrote Psalm 63 when he was in the Desert of Judah, where he had no distractions, nothing to do, no-one to talk to, no entertainment so to speak.

O God, You are my God,
[earnestly] I seek You
My soul [thirsts] for You
My body [longs] for You,

in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

He sought God with himself, his soul; even his body longed for God. He didn't thirst for water in the desert, but he thirsted for God. He knew that God alone could satisfy the desires of his soul and the desires of his body.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.

I remember eating mega-big buffets as a kid and being so full after, of greasy stodgy food, that I would not be able to move and would often start hiccuping. Satisfaction. And "in a dry and weary land", He can satisfy my soul in that way.

A dry and weary land seems to describe a little the place I'm in right now. Exams are starting in 2 weeks' time. I don't want to stay in my room and work all day. In the grind and confusion of LIFE, I forgot His LOVE.

Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.

David didn't look at what was around Him. He looked above Him and instead of barrenness, he saw fullness. Instead of an empty life, he saw love completing, enriching, satisfying.

Let me find You in the desert
Till this sand is holy ground,
And I am found completely surrendered
To You, my Lord and friend.

Plea...

2006-03-12T02:20:00.000Z

I went for salsa class on Thursday and I had a wonderful time. I loved the music, loved the steps, the only thing I didn't like was changing partners all the time and the half-drunk jokes and innuendo. But I loved salsa class. When I hear the music come on, and the beat, I just feel as though my feet are going to fly and fly and never stop.

Salsa class made me think about how "normal" I could be. I enjoy many things everyone else enjoys, and I understand the people around me, their arguments, their logic, the way they think, I like chatting with people, laughing at jokes, being "wu liao" sometimes, I like sitting in the bar and playing Jenga... I stress over assignments like everybody else, and make highlighted scribbles all over my journal articles. Just like a "normal" person.

It's just that I'm a Christian. I lead a fairly "normal" life. But it's as though there's a whole new side to life I can see. I still enjoy salsa, I still joke, still study, still get stressed sometimes, still cry, still make mistakes... But beneath it all I know my purpose in life... I can have joy through good times and bad and I know why bad times happen... I can cling to Him through bad times... and deep within me I know that nothing can shake me cos I have my refuge in Him.

I feel sad sometimes when I see people going about their lives without knowing what they do things for, managing their own lives when they're like ants in an anthill who can't look out and see the world around them. As humans, we think we've advanced so far - we have detailed studies of philosophy and ethics, we debate endless issues but we're still the only species to voluntarily and systematically exterminate our own species on a large scale all the time. We think we know so much, but we don't know how to find joy in life and we don't know how to take care of ourselves. We care so much about animal rights but we don't care for our friends as much as we care for ourselves.

Please, please, if you're reading this and you don't know what your purpose is in life, you don't know where you're going and you don't know why you go through the same routine everyday, do stop and think about it. If there indeed is life after death, if there indeed is a God, surely these would be the most important questions you could ask in your life. And surely we are equally incapable of managing our own lives and taking care of ourselves no matter how strong and how independent and intelligent we are. There's more to this life -

than living and dying,
more than just trying to make it through the day
more to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
and there's more than this life alone can be.

today I watched in silence as people passed me by,
and I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;
but they all looked at me as if to say
life just goes on...

the old familiar story told in different ways,
make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;
dream your dreams tomorrow because today
life must go on...

but there’s more to this life than living and dying,
more than just trying to make it through the day;

more to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,

and there’s more than this life alone can be..

More About Grace

2006-03-05T23:44:00.000Z

The grace of God is so amazing. No matter how much I think about it, I can never understand it. And no matter how much I think I know about it and understand it, I learn new things about His grace all the time. It seems as though there is no end to what He can teach me. And what He teaches me are simple things I never realised. The most profound things are always the simplest things. But I was often blind to them and I think I am still blind to alot of His truths. But He shows me more when I ask Him.

I have been thinking over many things which puzzled me about the grace of God. I'm glad that I'm covered with His righteousness because I know that I haven't any righteousness of my own. Many of my deeds are like filthy rags in His sight. I'm just glad that I'm clothed with Him so that He sees me as righteous in His eyes. He's wiped my slate clean in the past and the present.

But what about the future? It seems then as though it's no use trying to be righteous. I try and try and I know it's not good enough for Him. And then I realise that He's covered me with His righteousness and His grace covers everything I do and that's such a relief. But the future was puzzling. It didn't make sense to try to be righteous anymore. Cos I knew that I would always fall short and I would always need Him to cover me. So why should I even try to be better? It seems as though, if I judge my future by my past, that my life would be one long spiel of failures and grace, failures and grace.

The answer is so simple but it had been escaping me all along.

"Abide in Me, and I will abide in you. If you abide in Me you will bear much fruit, but without Me you can do nothing."

God never looked at the things I do and He never will. He looks at where I am. Am I abiding in Him or am I far away from Him? I can do seemingly righteous things with my heart far from Him.

He was never one to look at the sacrifices anyway. He always looked at the heart. He was never one to look at the actions; He always looked at the character.

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise."

David, Abraham, Jacob and Moses were men that God loved. David was called a man after God's own heart. Abraham was called a friend of God. Jacob wrestled with God and won - "I will not let You go unless You bless me." Moses asked to see God's glory and cried out for the presence of God - no substitute or any other blessing would do him. These were people with huge flaws in their characters, people who made huge mistakes. But God loved them so much, because they desired the close personal contact with God above everything else. They were willing to cry, trek, sweat, run, fast; they were never embarrassed or ashamed, they were caught up in the excitement of coming into closer contact with God. They kept short account with God.

And abiding in Him means keeping short account with Him. Daily confession and repentence. Daily doing anything it takes to know Him more and to draw closer to Him. Faith without works is dead. But works are only evidence of faith. And behind everything we do He looks at our hearts. How much we desire to get down to the grit and the sweat of pursuing Him and abiding in Him, how much we can keep running to Him to show us more of Himself.

Beyond our Bible reading, our earnest endeavours to do right, He asks us the questions: Do you really love Me? Are you abiding in Me? Are you willing and humble enough to keep short account with Me?

By Your grace, let my answer everyday be "Yes, Lord." I have my up and down days. But let me keep short account. And let me abide in You.

Perspective

2006-02-26T17:21:00.000Z

A service at the nursing home always puts me in a thoughtful mood. Clutching their stuffed toys, walkers or the sides of their wheelchairs, they come down slowly to the service. Sitting together we sing the grand old hymns. Many of them are close to heaven.

How brief our lives are in the light of eternity.

Brokenness

2006-02-24T23:12:00.000Z

A cracked pot is better than a whole pot because a cracked pot allows the light to shine through. God is close to the broken hearted and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. This comforted me many times during the past few years as I was made more and more aware of my weaknesses and became more and more dependent on His grace...

But recently I stopped being broken and humble before Him. Maybe it was the running around Sunday after Sunday being a Martha without stopping to be a Mary, maybe it was just the condition of my heart which refused to be still and to wait on the Lord. Many things piled up in my heart without being forgiven or resolved, because I forgot to talk to my greatest Friend who was waiting for me every morning.

"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered." "Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God..." God cannot cover me with His Hand when I am standing in pride. It's only when I kneel before Him in humility that He can cover me with His Hand.

Forgive me for my pride. You are beautiful and Your ways are perfect and just. How can I follow the ugly ways or allow ugliness in my life? It's a beautiful thing to love You - You are so perfect, unchanging, humourous, sensitive, artistic. But it's a perversion to love myself too much. So take my whole heart. And when I waver, nudge me back. Beautiful, beautiful... You make beautiful all the ugly things. So come and make my heart beautiful...You are my Saviour, but I also want you to be my Lord.

Tender Saviour, hold me fast.
Sooth this troubled soul at last,
And heal the wounds of all that's past,
Tender Saviour.

Tender Saviour, speak to me.
Whisper words of hope and peace,
And let the tumult in me cease,
Tender Saviour.

And I will not give up this quest
till I know I am blessed
For I come in my brokenness,
Tender Saviour.

Tender Saviour, hear my cry,
Look with pity on this child,
And show Your mercy by and by,
Tender Saviour.

Tender Saviour, make it so.
Let Your blessings overflow,
Until You do, I won't let go,
Tender Saviour.

And I will not give up this quest
till I know I am blessed
For I come in my brokenness,
Tender Saviour.

I really want the blessing of knowing You as a reality in my life and as strength in my weakness. And I know You will answer. I will not give up this quest.

The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing

2006-02-06T12:32:00.000Z

This is the title of the second chapter in "The Pursuit of God" (Tozer) which spoke to my heart recently. The story of Abraham being commanded to slay his son is told within.

"Take now thy son," God says, "Thy only son, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains I will tell thee of." No loopholes were left for Abraham. He had to kill the child of the promise, the child he had waited so long for, the child who had proved God's faithfulness to him all these years. He had to kill the child he loved - not Ishmael, whom he sent away, but the child he treated as his only son.

He was given no specifics - not the place or the mountain - but only told to sacrifice his son.

I can't imagine that Abraham didn't wrestle with God. I don't think he slept that night; I think he left early in the morning not just out of the fear of the Lord, because he knew he had to obey God, but also because his aching heart would not let him sleep. The love of his son was so great that it had become a perversion in his heart. And God to correct that tested him until he knew that God and God alone reigned unchallenged in the temple of his heart.

As God speaks to me about the "Isaac" in my heart, I pray for the courage to obey Him and the discipline to stick to my decisions. And as I read with admiration of the missionary in a far-off country who, near the end of his life in a bare hut, whispers to his children with tears, "I have nothing left to give you - for I gave it all to Jesus a long time ago" - so bring me to that poverty in spirit, where I do not fear the terror of parting with "things", knowing that I shall not want with You.

This song, "I don't know who holds tomorrow", used to bring tears to my eyes as a teenager, and now I know that it's about the blessedness of holding on to nothing.

"I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One who feeds the sparrow
Is the one who stands by me.

And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood."

His presence fulfills my need for companionship and stills my loneliness. His blood fulfills my need for righteousness and acceptance. There's nothing else I could ask for. So as You strip the idols from my heart, and though I know it might be painful - tearing away always is; thank You that I may know the blessedness of possessing nothing. : )

A Consciously Forgetful God

2006-01-22T09:46:00.000Z

I spent the New Year with one of my coursemates from Greece and stumbled back at 4 in the morning. It had been a wonderful night of conversation and games. I was so tired when I got into bed that I didn't set my alarm, planning to go to the evening service instead of the morning one. I asked the Lord to wake me up if He wanted me to go to the morning service.

And I opened my eyes in surprise at 8:30 in the morning, so I went to the morning service.

Because of a phone call from my dad I was rather late in leaving. So hurrying to church I prayed, disbelieving myself: "God, please send someone along in a car to give me a lift to church." Less than 5 minutes later I heard a honk behind me and it was a couple from church who said, "Hop in!" No one had ever before overtaken me and given me a lift to church in all my four months here. So I went to church amazed at all the lengths He had taken to get me there for it on time. And I found out that there had been no evening service planned for that night!

What I had been brought to church especially to hear was this: that He makes all things new. That God's compassions are new every morning, that God is giving us a new heart and a new spirit, and God has made us new creations. We are to forget what's behind and not dwell on the past. In God's mercy, we can leave our mistakes in the past.

I made a big mistake in my second year. All through my third year and even into this year I have been trying to let go of this mistake and to live with its consequences. I was living under the shadow of this mistake I had made and this message touched my heart then. A new year, a new start, a new outlook, a clean slate.

Things started to overwhelm me again yesterday and I cried out to Him: "I wish You could blot out every memory of that sin so many years again and the downward spiral I took then."

But I can.

Where is the proof that You can?

"It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.They are new every morning: great is His faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23) "'I will frown on you no longer, for I am merciful,' declares the Lord, 'I will not be angry forever.'" (Jeremiah 3:12) "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow." (Isaiah 1:18)

And the key: "Their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more." (Isaiah 43:25)

Do You really not remember it? Can you really not remember the past? Can an all-powerful God, who knows everything, who is capable of doing anything, consciously forget something? He would have to purposely block it out of His memory. How could that be?

I am a perfectionist. But God is not a perfectionist. He is perfectly just, yet also perfectly merciful. How does it make sense? You took the burden of my sin. You took the shame of my guilt so that I would not have to live in shame. Can I really believe that the past is truly past with You? That Your mercies are truly new every morning?

That was why I woke you up early in the morning on New Year's Day.

God does not remember the past! As far as the East is from the West, He has removed my sin from me.

Do I really not have to bear the consequences of my sin, Lord? I find that so hard to believe.

"He was wounded for your transgressions. He was bruised for your iniquities. The chastisement of your peace was upon Him - and by His stripes you are healed."

He bore the consequences of my sin. So I am free. By His stripes I am healed. So something that happened in the past becomes now gloriously present.

So I am really a new creation. And you - you are a new creation too. No matter what has happened in the past, no matter what mistakes you've made - He has blotted them out from His memory. He came on purpose to do that - He lived to die, so that you would not die, but live. Thank God : ) I do believe that He has made all things new. So I will forget the former things and I will not dwell on the past. From this day forth, I believe things are going to be extraordinary.

I Just Want A Relationship!! Don't Hide!!

2006-01-20T00:21:00.000Z

Recently, a friend did something which she thought might have upset me and for a few days she didn't talk to me because she thought I was angry with her. I could conceivably have gotten angry but I really wasn't, and all I wanted was that our relationship could be put together again. I wanted to laugh with her, wanted to have silly conversations and talk to her whenever I felt like it and spend time together.

I think that waiting for our relationship to get back on track and trying to smoothen it out/ show love for my friend and being so impatient for things to get back to the way they used to be showed me a little about God's love.

God is slow to anger and abounding in love, so why don't we believe it? How come we always come with guilt? Why aren't we confident that He loves us and wants to be with us?

I want to be like a little child and be confident that He wants to speak to me and know what's on my heart. That he wants to laugh with me, talk with me all the time and spend time together with me. And that He just wants our relationship to be back on track all the time. So draw me close. I want to draw close boldly and with a clear heart.

Obedience, Key to Victory

2006-01-01T03:46:00.000Z

One of the things that struck me recently was this.

I was defeated many times in my struggle against sin because of this reason. It was because my attitude towards sin was more self-centred than God-centred. I was more concerned about my own "victory" over sin than I was about the fact that my sins were grieving the heart of God. I could not tolerate failure in my struggle with sin because I was success-oriented, not because I knew it was offensive to God. Of course, the more I wanted to be "perfect" and to maintain a perfect record, the more I would fall.

Jerry Bridges wrote: "God wants us to walk in obedience, not in victory. Obedience is oriented towards God; victory is oriented towards self... there is a subtle, self-centred attitude at the root of many of our difficulties with sin. Until we face this attitude and deal with it, we will not consistently walk in holiness."

Since I realised this, the struggle has lessened quite abit. I realised that my sin is not "making me imperfect" but is really hurting God. I realised that I need not so much to live in victory but to live in obedience. I can never earn God's favour, but I need to draw close to Him and obey Him.

I feel more relieved now, thankful that I can be honest with Him about my hopes and fears and my struggles. I'm thankful that I can place it all in His hands and say, "I'm quite hopeless... please do something." Especially about my attitudes.

This I claim as my hope:

"Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you.

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them." (Ezekiel 36:25-27)

Let me walk in obedience this New Year...

No Matter How

2005-12-22T12:43:00.000Z

This hymn, "One thing I of the Lord desire", is my only prayer now.

One thing I of the Lord desire,
For all my path hath miry been,
Be it by water or by fire,
O make me clean, O make me clean.

So wash me Thou, without, within,
Or purge with fire, if that must be,
No matter how, if only sin
Die out in me, die out in me.

If clearer vision Thou impart,
Grateful and glad my soul shall be;
But yet to have a purer heart
Is more to me, is more to me.

Yea, only as this heart is clean
May larger vision yet be mine,
For mirrored in Thy life are seen
The things divine, the things divine.

I watch to shun the miry way,
And stanch the springs of guilty thought,
But, watch and struggle as I may,
Pure I am not, pure I am not.

Yes.. my only hope is in you. I can't hope in myself , following laws and methods to make myself pure. For I will only fall again. All I can do is trust in Your plan for my life, and trust that the joys and the sorrows, the challenges and the blessings, will mold me into the woman you want me to be.

Being Silent

2005-12-19T22:33:00.000Z

"The things we feel most strongly we ought to be most silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."
- Elisabeth Elliot

Waiting...

2005-12-19T18:05:00.000Z

Sarah gave me a present today, but I think I'm not going to open it until Christmas morning, no matter how much I want to. I will wait...(although I suspect it might be the Allo Allo DVD I've had my eye on for some time...)

I've stayed in almost all day today, studying, even though it's been a lovely day and I wanted to go out. But I can wait. It will make it so much more worth while when I do finally get to go out.

Yesterday Matthew spoke briefly in the morning, a thoughtful sermon on the importance of waiting. We're told to wait in obedience, to wait while maintaining love and justice, and to be still, quiet and patient. And being still requires alot of trust.

Those who wait will be heard, will renew their strength, will not be disappointed, will see His goodness in the land of the living, will inherit the land, and will have His name and renown as the desire of their hearts!

Matthew quoted from a book he'd been reading about waiting:

"Waiting is our destiny, as creatures who cannot by themselves bring about the outcome they hope for."

"In the Old Testament, waiting is so closely associated with faith that sometimes the two words are used interchangeably."

"What God does in us while we wait is as important as what we're waiting for."

"In God's will there can be an end to some times of waiting, or the blessing of endurance to wait some more."

It seems as though waiting, like hope, is slightly tinged with sadness; we do not have what we hope for. But waiting in itself may teach me more about the Giver than getting His gifts.

And so I will wait. I trust Him and I'm thankful for where He has put me. I want to grow. Most of all I pray that He will make me a woman whose heart He delights in! Give me the grace to wait... to wait in stillness, to wait in prayer, to wait on You. : )

Sufficient

2005-12-07T00:10:00.000Z

"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not,
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness,
morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed thy hands have provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me."

I've found the words of this grand old hymn to be true.

When I needed the courage, He gave me courage...

When I needed the empowerment, He made me realise my weakness and I was humbled as I saw Him work.

When I needed to know how to love another, He gave me much more than a forced love, He gave me a friendship.

All I have needed Thy hands have provided. So I will not worry about tomorrow, what I want, what my own plans are. I'm happy to stay in Your will, learning more about You and letting You change me day by day.

Courage Needed

2005-12-04T19:09:00.001Z

I'm sorry, I find it so difficult to speak of You... Please, I need Your courage and Your power. You are so important to me, the most important in my life. Give me the words and the courage to tell others about it. Let me be real and not hide anything from anyone about how much You mean to me.

Forgive me for my reticence... I must speak of You. You're the good news that everyone needs to hear.

Temporal vs Eternal

2005-11-26T03:58:00.000Z

What venture results in death 100% of the time?

Life.

Seeing as the inevitable end of life is death anyway, doesn't it make sense to die to all that is temporal so that when we enter the eternal, we're entering life through the door or mask, as it were, of death?

During cell group this week we had this icebreaker called "Fear In A Hat". We wrote down our greatest fears anonymously and put them into a hat. Then the hat was passed around and each one drew out one fear and commented on it.

I wrote "Fear of torture and violent death for my faith", something that has always been the subject of gruesome imaginings. John from Africa drew it out. He read it thoughtfully.

"I dont think this person should be afraid of death", he said. "This is a fear I've never had. There are three things that a person should consider.

The separation of the soul from the body - that is death.
The separation of the body from the world - that is torture.
The separation of the soul from God - that is sin."

Then he said slowly, "The first one, the separation of the soul from the body, I don't fear it because we know where we're going, we know that we've got a place in heaven. So I don't fear it. The second one, the separation of the body from the world, I don't fear it because that is just momentary. I fear the third one because the separation of the soul from God is horrible...

I don't fear pain or violent death because I believe that you don't feel anything at that instant. I have been hit by a car before and seriously I didn't feel anything. I just felt "bam" and the next moment I woke up on the hospital bed. So I don't think this person needs to fear. We should expect persecution anyway, whatever form it takes. So if this person is expecting a trouble-free life then I am sorry. But the worst thing to fear is the separation of the soul from God."

Thank You for comforting me on this. Let me live life day by day for You and not worry about the future.